To The Letter

After a needed break, I am happy to say that I definitely feel recharged. I have had a lot of time to seek the Lord regarding my current situation, and it doesn't sit well that I don't have a well-organized plan in place. It feels irresponsible and careless. If I were to divulge everything going on in my mind right now, you might mistake me for a crazy person. Although I don't owe anyone an explanation, I think I should share a little more, because I know I am not alone in what I am currently feeling.

Since the day I started my relationship with Jesus Christ, I have tried to live in a way that only Jesus could take the credit. In my early walk, as I look back, I see moments when I did many things on my own — but as I matured in Christ, it became easier to step aside and wait on God to work. Although I have had many breakthroughs and some really great chapters in my life, it wasn't until I was diagnosed with MS and God stepped in and halted the disease that I found the true meaning of surrender.

The last three years, though, have been difficult. Being in an environment that produced a lot of stress hindered my recovery. The only reason I came to this conclusion is that I started noticing that every time I was away from that stressful environment, my days improved — and when I returned, I was back to square one. Now I am in a season of job loss, seeking the next opportunity but being careful not to put myself back into a stressful environment. I am continually exploring ways to produce income for myself, hoping it will provide a better work-life balance.

I keep wondering if I am missing something that God is placing right in front of me — but on the other hand, I wonder if He is doing exactly what I prayed for. While I was in that stressful environment and had my moments with God, begging for change or a way out, I always said that if He gave me the opportunity and I had the financial means, I would take six months off to focus on my physical and spiritual healing. God answered that prayer. I have been able to focus on ministry opportunities (including leading students at the Moore Activity Center), invest in healing my spirit, and — believe it or not — walk to the end of my street and back.

Although I don't know exactly what is next, I realize that it won't officially be six months until June 5th. Talk about answering a prayer to the letter… God is doing it again. And even though, as of today, I do not have a plan for income, I am not really concerned about it — not because I am irresponsible or careless, but because I am very tired of trying to figure it out on my own. That doesn't mean I won't take action; it means I need God to show me or to open the door. So until that happens, I am waiting, watching, and listening.

And while I wait, I will not be silent. I am going to praise God for what He is already doing. Isaiah 12:2–4 says it best:

"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. And you will say in that day: 'Give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name, make known His deeds among the peoples, proclaim that His name is exalted.'" (Isaiah 12:2–4, ESV)

That is exactly where I am. Trusting, not afraid, and drawing from the well.